What do you want

There are no wrong answers; Joy Ride vol 24

We've got to make space for "because I want to."

Not everyone can. Many of us could, but we got pulled away or distracted or busy. And that's exactly why we've got to do it.

We've been hellbent on getting where we're going, on optimizing, going harder, and making the most of things, that we’ve lost our sense of what it is we want, of what all this sprinting and juggling is actually for.

I certainly did.

One time a therapist suggested an exercise. She said, “I am going to ask you a question and you are going to reply with the first thing that comes to mind. Then, I'm going to ask you the question again and you will respond again. There are no wrong answers. If nothing comes to mind, say pass. And then, I will ask you the question again.”

Reluctantly, I agreed.

Then for the next five hours, she asked me, "What do you want?" over and over and over again.

Ok, it wasn't five hours. It was less than five minutes, but it felt like an eternity because it was so uncomfortable to verbalize the things I wanted. Uncomfortable and illuminating.

I wanted a sandwich, to spend more time with my brother. I wanted to get my car detailed and to decline a project I'd been asked to lead at work. Much to my surprise, I wanted, I wanted, I wanted. 

Despite saying "I want..." a gazillion times in a row, it didn't feel grabby or selfish or entitled or bratty.

Instead, I felt a sense of relief. The relief of having unearthed something that I’d been unsuccessfully trying to bury. My responses to the question weren't demands. They were admissions.

I had admitted what I wanted and now it felt like there was something I could do about it. A few of the things were immediately attainable (a certain sandwich, for instance). Others would take effort or luck. A few items on the list would never be possible, but that felt sort of okay because at least I was being honest with myself.

I was surprised by a few of the things. I felt more like myself after I said that I wanted them. 

I loved the frame of this exercise because it acknowledged from the outset that we want more than one thing, that we have different kinds of wants. We freeze when someone asks, “What do you want?” or, “What’s your passion?” or, “What’s your purpose,” because we don’t know how to begin answering the question and because the answer isn’t singular. 

The things you want are in there. Admitting desire doesn't make you demanding or selfish or childish or delusional or out of touch.

What if the admission actually makes you feel more like you?

This week on The Road 🛣️

• In Monday’s Notes From The Road we talked about puppets and about how “because I want to” is a complete sentence ✨

• For Paid Substackers, The Merge theme this month is Great Expectations. Namely, adjusting our expectations. Not to be lower or higher, but to be helpful ⚠️ 

• And! The Brainstorm Road Show is happening for a group of incredible Roadies who are sharing their work-in-progress this week. Check out their projects here and cheer them on in the comments. It takes courage and heart to show a rough draft and these folks have those qualities in spades (We can’t resist a pun, one of the projects is actually about the card game Bridge!) ♠️

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